This is another post from an older blog I kept as Summer and I prepared to adopt our daughter, Sophie. (Originally published July 26, 2006)
My last blog was somewhat disjointed in its thinking, a bit too streams of conscience in nature. Granted, it was also maybe a bit more heady than folks might think. Yet, this one may be too… One of the things that they are constantly reminding us of during our education leading up to our adoption is to have realistic expectations when you first meet your child. I understand what they mean and take it to heart. I have no visions of our meeting our child for the first time…other than a sense of wonderful awkwardness. I don’t for instance hold any image of my wife or I running…nearly breathless…of course through a field of tall grass complete with a peppering of wild flowers. Butterflies fill the air as much as the sound of some
melodramatic soundtrack. Of course, the child is running towards us (no small feet for the small feet of an infant) with arms outstretched. (Realistically, I just hope the child doesn’t scream and cry the entire flight back from Vietnam.) My feeling is that the first meeting will be what it will be…I have the rest of my life to love the child and by loving that child, maybe, he/she will love me back. I guess that is what I have come to learn about God and adoption in this process. God loves us even before we are…well…even a “we” or “me” or an “I.” God already loves us…regardless of who we are… God loves us regardless of the circumstances of our first meeting. Noting, that though we can speak of wonderful moments of embracing God (not unlike the melodrama I detailed above), most meetings are more like Paul on the road to Damascus…a bit more gritty, painful, awkward…whatever. Yet, God loves us unconditionally. God offers love regardless of whether we give it back or not. God wants (doesn’t need…God needs nothing) our love and will wait our lifetime to receive that love. I guess I have a hint of what that must be like… I already love this child…even before our meeting…and I am committed to loving this child for the rest of his/her life. My prayer is that because of the love I give…that child will come to love me as well.
I also had a dream about the child. Amazing…no longer a vision of some other Asian child…the dream was vivid…little hands and feet…little everything…almond shaped eyes…black hair…warm black eyes… Wow, Summer and I were cuddling her… Summer held her…I looked on with that look that can only be described as that “awkward what do I do next Dad look.”